Becoming Her Beyond The Boxes

 Episode 5: Becoming Her Beyond the Boxes

What happens when you realize the version of you that everyone knows isn’t necessarily the woman you’re becoming?

In this episode of The F.A.B. Podcast, I’m joined by Elajah Pace and we’re going Beyond the Boxes—the labels, expectations, roles, and assumptions that can shape how women see themselves and how others see them.

For Black women especially, there can be so many identities and expectations placed upon us before we ever get the opportunity to ask: Who am I beyond what everyone needs me to be?

This conversation is about creating space to discover, define, and embrace the woman within—outside of the roles we’ve been assigned, the expectations we’ve inherited, and the boxes we may have learned to stay inside.

Elajah and I talk about identity, self-definition, authenticity, growth, motherhood, relationships, purpose, and the courage it takes to give yourself permission to become someone you may not have had the space to be before.

Because becoming isn’t about fitting into a better box.

It’s about realizing you were never meant to be confined to one.

A reminder that you are allowed to evolve.
 You are allowed to redefine yourself.
 You are allowed to become.

The F.A.B. Podcast: Where fashion is just the beginning. The “Beyond” is Faith. Authenticity. Boldness. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Fat Podcast where we talk about fashion and beyond. And the beyond is so much bigger than what we wear. It's about faith, authenticity, boldness, purpose, identity, and becoming the woman God created us to be. And today's conversation is one that I think so many women are going to see themselves in. Because sometimes before we ever get the opportunity to really discover who we are, we've already been given an identity. You're the good girl, you're the strong one, you're the responsible one, you're the caretaker, you're the wife, you're the mother, you're the successful woman, you're the one everybody can depend on. And sometimes those identities become so deeply attached to us that we forget to ask ourselves, who am I outside of all of this? And that is what we're talking about today. Becoming her beyond the boxes. I'm excited about this conversation because I believe becoming your authentic self sometimes requires you to step outside of all the versions of you that everyone else has become comfortable with. So let's get into it. Welcome to the Fab Podcast, Lay. Yes. We here welcome. Finally get to sit down with you. Yeah. Yeah, so give us a little backstory about who you are, what you do, where you're from. Yeah, Malaysia. Sometimes lay. I'm from New Jersey originally, uh, but I've been in Maryland for a little bit now. I work in case management now with elderly or disabled um clients. Okay. And I went to Hampton. Okay. The real H Uh. Yes. Absolutely. If anybody says different they're good. For sure. Um, yeah. Okay, purr. Well, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me to talk about this uh topic. I think it's super dope. And I think it will resonate with a lot of uh black women for sure. Yes. Absolutely. So let's hop into it. When you talk about the boxes that black women are placed in, what do you mean by that? And where do you think some of those boxes begin? The boxes that I'm talking about is the ceilings that are placed on black women all the time in different circumstances or different areas of life as in in the workplace environment. You want to be your best self, but you can't, because you can't be too loud, you can't be too whimsy, you can't be too too much of anything in a workplace environment or just in any environment, even hanging out in public. I think that people have like prejudgments of how women are supposed to carry themselves, specifically black women. You can't cry because then you're too weak. You can't get angry because then you're aggressive. Yeah, you're aggressive.

unknown 3:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

You can't feel sexy because then you're a slut. You can't like you can't feel beautiful because then you're conceited. Then you think you're better than other people. So it's like, it's just we can't like it's like black women can't just naturally just be as expressive as they should be or should be. Like it it shouldn't even we shouldn't even have to talk about allowing anybody to do anything. You know what I'm saying? It's just like black women can't just exist. That's who they just naturally are sometimes. I think that it's harsh. Um, I think that the boxes start at childhood, um, for sure. But the beginning of you're already put in certain gender roles, you're already taught and expected to be a certain way compared to maybe if you have, you know, a brother, they're not they're not being taught the same things that you are. They're not being taught to basic life skills at the same ages that you are at. It's different pressures put on you to to behave a certain way in public to because you're you're you I guess your reflection your behavior is a higher reflection, I guess. But that's at least how it's put on like your family, or you know, if you wanna if you want a relationship, you need to act a certain way to get a man, like things like that. It and it's just or not being able to have colored hair. Because then you're or or if you want to play in your mom's makeup and stuff, now you're grown if you're wearing red lipstick or if you have bread nails. It's just it's stupid, you know? A lot of unnecessary labels and prejudgments. Um, but I definitely think it starts in childhood and I think it subconsciously resurfaces in different ways or manifests in different ways, like as we get older. Absolutely, I definitely agree with that. I think it was the same, like they say moms raise their daughters but spoil their boys. That used to be like a one of those little cliches that you had back in the day. And I think even when I was younger hearing that, I didn't really understand you know what that actually meant. And the weight that that actually, you know, was for a daughter um versus a son. But over time I realized exactly what that meant um in some of the family dynamics in my family with the the women versus the men, the girls versus the boys. Um and so me as a mom of three with an older son, a younger son and my daughter in the middle, it was very important for me to not just put these unnecessary expectations on my daughter to be more responsible and not to also still hold my son accountable for being responsible. Yes. But I think genetically, scientifically, as girls, that is just our makeup to be responsible. I think it's like embedded in our DNA somehow. And this levels to responsibilities. Um, but as my daughter continues to grow, I see, you know, her level of responsibility is a bit different from my oldest son's level of responsibility. But it doesn't negate the fact that at the end of the day, because the day gonna end, they both have to be responsible.

unknown 6:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

And both of their responsibilities will hold weight. Um, and so, you know, it's it's just as important for my son to be responsible as it is for my daughter. They both still have chores, you know what I mean? Um, then I try not to base the chores on this is a gender thing, but more so like this is a life thing. You know what I'm saying? Like, y'all gonna maybe at some point in your life have your own places. So you will have to take the trash out, you will have to clean your bathroom, you will have to wash dishes, you will have to mop your floors, you will have to fold your clothes, they will have to be washed and dried, your room will have to be clean. So for me, that is not a gender thing, that is a life role. Yes, just you know what I'm saying? And you know, in my household, we're all pigeon in. So it's like, yes, I am married, yes, I have a spouse, um, but I think the biggest thing that I can do for my kids is to show them what true partnership is like. And that that expectation is not just based on whether you're a man or a woman. It's based on the fact that you're a human and these are life things that you need to know how to use. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, my kid my I don't put more on my daughter or less on her, but it's more so of a shared responsibility in my household. Like we all have to do something collectively as a family because we all live here. So we all have responsibilities. Um, and I think that also takes the pressure off of me as a wife, of that expectation of I have to do everything because I'm a wife and because I'm a mom. And I think that's another societal thing where it's like women feel like oh, they can do it all, be it all, and it's like you can, but sometimes that doesn't all happen at one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I hope that my daughter sees that. Um, you know, her father is not just doing things that a man would necessarily do, but like if I'm tired or I'm not feeling well, you know what I mean? He can cook, he can clean, he can help out, you know, in the house in other ways other than just providing. You know what I'm saying? So for me it's important that my kids um see a healthy partnership where everybody's doing something. Yeah, and that's and it's not based on gender roles. I think that that's good to like have a progressive I feel like that's a progressive way of like parenting, um, and a progressive like point of view is in like your yeah, the your life skills are bigger than whatever gender roles you might come across or experience or hear about, like you know Yeah. Cause I think if you look at it as just like especially like when my daughter's on her cycle, mm-hmm I have gotten her brothers involved with maybe caring for her if I can't, if I'm not always you know what I mean, or you know, explain it to my husband, like she's really going through it. It's her first day of her cycle. You know what I mean? So I will have my sons, you know, check on her. You know, go check on your sister, see if she needs some more water in her cup, or ask her if she wants some fruit or something. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And you know what I mean? It's they're gonna have to do that if they're gonna be in relationships with women. You know what I mean? You're gonna have to check on your the person that you're in a relationship with your partner and you know, see what they need and you know, try to be of assistance to them. So that's something that I also like um teach my boys too when it comes to not just my daughter, but just in general. But if you're doing it with your sister and you taught it in your home when you go out in the world and you interact with other women, yes, then you'll know. You'll know the signs of what it's like to be on your cycle. Yeah. Oh, my sister was on her cycle, you know, I made her tea, or I'm gonna take her water, take her some food, some nourishment. Yes. You know what I mean? Things like that. So and I will explain that to them. You know what I mean? And I think sometimes if you do have children of the opposite sex and you're not really explaining to them why, you know, they're doing something, then that's also to doing them a disservice because they don't understand. And from and for me as a mom, I want them to be able to understand the purpose or the reason that I'm asking to do that.

unknown 10:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

And you know what I'm saying? So if I'm not here and that happens, you know the signs, you know, why you haven't seen your sister in 24 hours and she in there fighting for her life. Go on her door, go check on her, you know, and make sure she's okay. And so, you know, they definitely have done that. And I think more so it's, you know, I think my older son did it one time and he was like, because I had to go do something, and he was like, Mom, I got it. Like, I'm gonna make sure she's okay, like I'm gonna check on her. Yes. And I think he said that because he saw the concern in my face, like, I need you to hold it down because I have to go do something. Yes. And so he was just like, No, I got it, Mom. Like, it's okay. And I was like, Okay, cool. But even with with my youngest son, he's six, you know, I'll be like, Go check with your sister. And sometimes she, and this may not even be her being on her cycle, but it's just like she's been in her room for hours. Like, what it what are you doing in there? Yeah, you know what I'm saying? So he'll be like, Mom, tell me to cut chick on you. She's like, Oh, I'm fine, I'm doing, you know what I mean? So just even little things like that. So I think, yes, and not to say you shouldn't have expectations, but the expectations shouldn't be so heavy on one particular person that it becomes a burden to them. Yes, such an expectation. Yes. And what are the expectations? Like, let's actually like what are your expectations? Is it is it becoming is it rooted in good faith, like because with with you just said with your sons, you know, helping out with your daughter on her period and stuff like that, I think that also just yes, they're you know, comfortable with the whole concept of a cycle and things like that and women being on it, but it also teaches them like compassion for women, period. And you could feel confident in knowing that, yeah, one day it might be a lady on the street that has bled through her pants or something, and they might, you know, help her out. You know, things like that, like just teaching kindness instead of making it about what sex you are. Like, no, just be a kind person, be a compassionate person. Like Yeah, that's important to me that I've raised a good human that's gonna be out here in this world 'cause my art. It's a mess. It is, but it's like if you raise, you know, kind kids, if you raise genuine people, if you raise, you know, people who are compassionate and self-aware. Yeah. Not just projecting everything.

unknown 13:18

I mean.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

That's what I'm saying. And that's what's just going back to like the whole boxes thing with on black women. Stop trying to like put like tell black girls how to be and just focus on just teaching them like good values and like that's it. There's no need to make, oh, you should sit like this with your skirt. No. No. Don't tell her to sit like that with her skirt. Of course, you don't want her sitting there with her, you know, underwear coming out, but I'm saying, like, it shouldn't be about what other people might see because other people shouldn't be looking like it's like you're putting black girls, black women, you're making them responsible for other people's actions. Like, that is annoying. I'm not responsible for this person not knowing how to control themselves. Like, no. Let the girls be the girls. And I think sometimes too, just as black women, we put those expectations on each other as well. Um yeah. But we got we go through circle back to that one. I think one of the interesting things about the conversation is that some of these identities are introduced to black girls before they even have the opportunity to figure themselves out. What are some of the messages or expectations that black girls receive about who they who they're supposed to be? I mean, I think you kind of touched on be quiet. They want you to be quiet, obedient. They don't want to be able to do it. Whatever class he is, yeah, whatever class he is, whatever that means. Ladylike, whatever that means. They want you to support misogyny. They want you to support it. Go along with it. They want you to be cooperative and and have the most patience out of everybody. Like, no. I'm tired, I'm irritated. Yeah. Like right now, I don't give an F. I don't want to curse. Oh, I can? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm just trying to keep it peaceful. But no, I mean we all should have a free will to speak how we want to. So if they come out, you know, hey, it come out. How do you think that affects the woman that that person will, you know, eventually become? Look like all the expectations. I think it makes I think it creates insecurities over time. Huge insecurities. Second guessing yourself, doubting yourself out of nowhere, and you don't even know why you're doubting yourself, but you have been, like I said, subconsciously or you've been conditioned. Definitely because that's been like the pat vlog. Dogs and stuff. Okay. I don't know if it's classical or operational, whatever's the other word. Operant. Anyway. Yeah. They've been conditioned. We've been conditioned. Like, to yeah, to second guess, doubt, you know, and that's just or have fear about stuff, you know. I I guess fear is the biggest thing, but yeah. Definitely insecurities are created. And I think that also comes that expectation also then um teaches you not to honor yourself. Yes. So you become a people pleaser, you dim your light. Yes. You know what I mean? You don't show up as your authentic self. Now everything you do is performative because you want to be accepted. You want to be seen. And it's like you should be able to be accepted and seen for being you. Yes. Not for you pretending to be someone to appease other people. Um, and so I feel like those are the effects. And I feel like if you don't do your work, do your shadow work, if you don't go dig deep and figure out why you do those things, but also like realize like those things aren't serving you. Because if you can't be your authentic, full, bold self and be able to express yourself creatively and freely, then it's like, what what are we doing here? Yes. Cause then you got a bunch of people walking around pretty much imitating each other. So, like, who's being different? I think the art of being uniquely you has been lost. And it's just like, I mean, it's an influencer heavy moment. I think first or so. And it's it's one thing to be influenced, but it's like you decide how much you want to be influenced by what. I don't think that people should be influenced. I think that people should be inspired.

unknown 18:03

I think it's not.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Like influence isn't always the best thing to be. You shouldn't always want to be influenced. Yeah, but not like fully influenced, because sometimes you can be influenced in a positive way.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

But I think that comes over time with you being secure in who you are. Because if I if I have a solid foundation, you only can influence me so much. You know what I'm saying? So it's okay to be influenced if it's gonna be in a positive way and it's going to then inspire you, encourage you to do something that will benefit you. But I think it's levels to influence. I think it's so many people who are not that their foundation is not secure, so they're easily influenced by any and everything that they see. Yes. And it's like you see one thing today, and then tomorrow you influence to be somebody else completely different. But also it's from I do think being concerned boxes when you're getting told what you're supposed to listen to and what you're supposed to be, you don't have you or you're late in the game with figuring out what discernment is for yourself. Yes. You're late in the game. I I've dealt with that like over the past five years, I feel like really figuring out what discernment is for me, yes, becoming more selective and picking and choosing with who I receive advice from and who I, you know, like who really has wisdom around me. You know what I'm saying? Like that is a big thing, but that that wasn't always encouraged growing up. So it's like it's it can be a lot. It definitely can be. Let's talk about one of the biggest boxes, the strong black woman. Strength is obviously not a bad thing, but how can being labeled the strong black woman actually become limiting because you're gonna be burned out, babes. Like it's like but put it down. Put it down. Take a step back. You don't like yeah, just because you're strong doesn't mean that you are like invincible though. It doesn't mean that things don't affect you or hurt you, or yeah, you're not indestructible. Strength like you're still vulnerable because you're still a person with feelings and you bleed. Like you you cry, like you you feel things, so and and and like let's really like let's redefine what strength looks like, you know, especially for black women. Let's redefine that just because she's strong doesn't mean she needs to tolerate whatever you got going on, you know. And most of the time I feel like, well maybe not most of the time, but I think sometimes you're not strong because you necessarily want to be. You're strong because you feel like you have to be.

unknown 20:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Like nobody has created a space for you to break. Yes. And for you to be vulnerable. So you walk around with this strong exterior, but on the inside, you're literally crying. Yes. And I can speak to this because I was definitely I still am a strong black woman, I'm not gonna say. But I'm not. Um, but I think I'm more so in a space where it's like I can be strong if I have to be, but I'd rather be soft. Yes, because soft doesn't mean weak. Yeah. So yes. And I'd rather choose when I have to be, instead of walking around feeling like I have to be that way all the time. But I'm I definitely at a point in time in my life was the strong friend. And I think it was at a time where I was like, nobody's checking in on me or knowing like. What I have going on because how I portray myself. I portray myself as the strong friend. I have everything figured out, you know, I can bounce back. Nothing really affects me, so people think. But I was at a time where I was just like, but I I I'm actually going through something. And this is actually hard. And and I actually want to like break. And I don't want to be the strong friend. Um, and so I started having conversations with some of my friends, and they were just like, We had no idea like that you had this going on because you've always been the strong one, you've always been the one we come to for advice and a listening ear. And not and not that they weren't providing that uh to me as well, but it wasn't during the times where I probably needed the most because I wasn't going to anyone. I was like, oh I can figure it out until I couldn't figure it out. Yeah, and I don't I don't agree with that, and I think that that is something that is adapted from masculinity. I don't think that that has anything to do with being feminine. I don't think that like I think that there's strength in working with other people to help solve a problem. Yes. I think whether it's partnership or teamwork, anything like that, like that's where strength is. I think strength is in numbers. I think when one person tries to be strong or is just strong all the time, you end up being the weakest person after a certain amount of time. Because you're so worn down. That doesn't and I think I see that a lot with with guys too, trying to be super strong all the time. No, you y'all gotta chill too. Like, it's that shouldn't be encouraged. And women are not built like that. Women we're not, we're literally physiologically not built for that. Like you have to you have to condition yourself to be like that. So I just don't I think it's it's it's a performative thing, but it's also something I feel that it's taught. Um I think you know it goes back to like how you how you were raised, but also what you saw when you were raised, and what you saw the women in your family endure and you know how they handled that and how they responded to that. Um and I also think it's it's just rooted in trauma. Because trauma strong like woman screams to me, it's like you have to be so strong to the point where you convince yourself that you didn't have you shouldn't have to depend on someone else. Or you shouldn't have to ask someone for help. You know what I'm saying? That is to me a trauma response. It's like we were not put on earth to solely just depend on ourselves. No, we were put here to have interpersonal relationships with one another. Yes. So we all should be helping each other in any way. So I feel like the strong black woman is really rooted in trauma. Yeah. And also it's rooted from generations, you know what I mean? And at some point somebody's gotta be the generational writer. That's what I'm saying. Like I just it to me it doesn't it doesn't make sense, like encouraging strength in women, but our society is patriarchy, like it's patriarchal. It doesn't make sense to me because if if like men are supposed to be all these things strong, provide and all this other stuff, why do why is it that women still end up taking care of those those things off the list? Like what what is that still happening? So what's really the tea? I I'm just I'm trying to figure it out. I mean, that's a legit question. Are the men men in? Because the women are womening. The women are womening right now. Like, I don't get it. And this isn't like me attacking men about anything. I'm just I'm legitimately curious as to like what do y'all want? What what do y'all want? Like, what is the end like what are we getting at with this? You know, like I just think it's conflicting. Yeah, it's it it has a lot of layers to it, for sure. Um but I don't think it's to benefit the woman. I really think it's to destroy.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Destroy.

SPEAKER_00 26:30

Yeah. Just destroy is such a crazy word. That's really what it is. It is. And literally, and I think sometimes, you know, for women who feel like they have to continually be strong, they don't get to the other side of that until they actually have to wait. So they actually have to ask someone for help. You know what I mean? Or they ha you they have to rely on someone. And it's like you shouldn't be on your deathbed having to rely on someone just so you don't have to be strong. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, you should be able to depend on someone else.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

Whether it's a difficult time that you're going through or not. Um, and that makes me think about just like the state of womanhood. Like, you know, the back in the what was that, the eighties and the nineties when waiting to XL came out? And it was like they all had their own things going on, but they still managed to get together and be there for each other. Yes. Like to me, that's what collectively we're stronger in numbers than we are. Apart. That's what I'm saying. Like maybe, maybe guys, let's stop trying to be so tough and like let's have a good time with our girlfriends. Let's just what is it? Oxyto oxytocin? Am I saying it right? Oxygenoline. No, not oxytocin. What? No, not dopamine, you know what I'm saying? What is it called? Oh my god. Anyway, I've I was just I've been hearing and like reading and seeing things about like women needing oxytocin, needing to chase that instead of the other chemical from the that's in our brain as well. The other chemical. Like like as in like kinship with your homegirls, yeah. That's actually like it it benefits us like absolutely our minds, our spirits, our you know, like our health, you know, like it does. Yeah, and taking things and moving things, like moving through things gracefully and not you know, like that moving without I'm gonna mess up this word too. Rigid rigidity. Rigidness. I was like rigidity, maybe rigidity. Yeah, moving, you know, there's no need to move with that. Like I I just think that we should encourage that more, bring more awareness to that, I think, with black women, like especially for black women. We need that, like continue to s uh create safe spaces for each other and amongst each other. Um that's actually one of the reasons I started my podcast, because I wanted to create a safe space, you know, a foundation for not just married women or women with children, but all women. Because I feel like no matter where we are in our life's walk, we all can learn from each other.

unknown 29:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

In some kind of way. So just be there. We don't even always gotta have everything in common, but or something in common, but just be there. Be there for somebody. Absolutely. This is good. Okay, yeah. So I want to talk about roles because women wear so many of them: wife, mother, daughter, professional, friend, caretaker, provider, the dependable one, the strong one. And sometimes we can become so identified with those roles that we confuse what we do with who we are. How do you think those roles can sometimes overshadow a woman's actual identity? When you're doing too much of one of your roles, when you're forgetting about all parts of you. And I see that a lot with wives, mothers, some people, so a lot of people hold both of those titles. Somebody I'm talking to right now. And you know, I that's why I I I I do say, yeah, fuck the kids, fuck the husband sometimes, because not fucked them, like you know what I'm saying? Like, they gonna be there, like we are. But when you're in when you're in a role too much and it becomes like robotic, that's when we gotta like, alright, bro, like you're letting this define you. You're letting it define you. And yeah, we need other people sometimes. That's when the partnership becomes majorly important. Yo, I need you to step up for a second because I need to take a nap, or I need to take a walk, or I want to go somewhere and eat some good ass food and not hear anybody crying for a second. And just even as a middle child, no, that's a role too. I I don't like I think that that is right. Like, yeah, I don't have any kids, but I as in being a child, being a sister, when you sometimes invest too much energy into like, you know, just at least for me, caring a lot so much about my family and their well-being that I'm neglecting my own priorities. Even with my friends, I'm caring so much about what they have going on. I'm forgetting, like, yo, am I okay, like nigga? I'm like, am I okay? Like, you know, so it's just doing too much, you're gonna end up playing yourself. You're gonna end up forgetting who you are. And I told and I told my mom that, like, yo, like, you've been a mom for 20 plus years. Be you again, go find you again. Like, we're good. We're grown, like, we love you, we know that you're here for us, but you don't actually need to be here for us no more. Like, you're good. We should be able to figure things out and take the we need to take initiative now. You have done your job. Go be you, mom. Go be lit. I'll see you when you come back from vacation. Go. Go. Just go. They can't. They can't be expansive with yourself. Like, what do you mean? Go go learn a new language or something. Go, like, go do something. Yeah. Get new, what is it, stimuli? Like, let different things stimulate you. See what see who you are and what you even after a breakup, bro. I have to check in with myself and be like, yo, like, what do I like now? Do I still like what this you know I'm saying? Like that? You know what? Did I lose any parts of me? Or did I just lose some time? You know what I'm saying? Like things and and yeah, and shout out there, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna see it at that. But check out. No, I I agree. I think that was something I struggled with um when I became a mom and when I became a wife. I think it was just like the fear of like losing myself in those roles or not being able to find a balance between being a woman being a mom, being a wife, but also still being an individual. And, you know, some people were given advice like, well, you can't really be an individual, you know, when you're a mom and you're a wife. Like, you need to focus on that. Um, but that didn't resonate with me, and it didn't sit well with me either. And I was just like, I have to find a balance between still, you know, being a w a mom and a wife, but also still being an individual. Um, and so I think I did my best, yeah, you know, with balancing um those roles and the expectations of those roles while still holding on to my individuality.

unknown 33:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

But that was something that I was adamant about when I became a wife. I was just like, I don't want to look up 15, 20 years as a mom and a wife and be like, well, who am I? What do I like? Because at some point these kids are gonna grow up, they're gonna leave the nest, yeah, they're gonna go to school, they're gonna have their own life, their own friends. I mean, they already have their own life. Yeah. They just still live at home. But they they are little humans, you know what I mean? Like, they have their life, they have their friends, they have their routines, they have things that they want to do that does not always include me and their father or each other. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I think for me, it was really important to continue to find my balance in the things that I enjoy doing that fuel my soul. Yeah. Because to be honest, I feel like sometimes as a mom and a wife, you're not always getting your refill from the place that you're pouring into. And that's just honest. It's like if I'm always needed and I'm always caring for them, and I'm always um managing their expectations and their capacity and their needs and their wants, and I'm pouring and pouring and pouring, that might not be the same place where I'm gonna get my refill from. And I had to be honest with myself about that. Like, and that doesn't make me a bad mom, that just makes me a wise one to know that I'm gonna be here for my kids and for my household and for my husband, and that my presence, you know, is super impactful and important. Yeah, but also what's important is pouring back into me. And I may that may not always come from the place of people that I'm constantly pouring into. And so for me, it was just like, yeah, I gotta get with my girlfriends. I gotta get outside and you know what I mean, do the things that I enjoy doing and not feel guilty about it. Um yeah, heavy and not feeling guilty. And I just feel like that is something that I have done my best to maintain. Um, there have been times where I just was so caught up in being a mom and a wife, and I was like, hold up, like, when the last time you've been out? Your hair look crazy, sis. Like, when the last time you've been to the nails along, like everybody else looking nice, and you sit here looking like the house. Um but another thing too is that learning how to advocate for yourself as a woman, not just as a wife and a mother, but just as a woman, period. Um, because I'm like, my husband's gonna advocate every single time what he wants, what he don't want, what he likes, what he don't like. Them kids finna be telling me what they want, what they don't want, what they like, what they don't like. So like why you can't do the same, sis. Because they're not letting you. No, that's not even a light thing. Um but yeah, I think also therapy helped with that too, because I realized that, you know, when I first started dating my husband, that I low key love love bombed him. Okay. It was very performative, it was very pick me.

unknown 37:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

Look at me and see what I can do, I could do. Um, and then when I started having kids and I got married, I was just like doing everything because that's what I thought I had to do. Okay. And then I got to a point where I was like, yeah, this ain't this ain't working for me. And so I started um, you know, giving them things to do. So that I could have more time to do the things that I wanted to do. But it was a lot of pushback and forth because I used to do everything. And they're they weren't used to me being like, oh, I'm not doing that, now you have to do it. Or I'm going to the gym. And so that was a hard thing. And it does make you feel bad, you know, as a mom, but it's like, when do you start prioritizing you in these roles and not just prioritizing the roles? And that's where that balance and recalibration comes in. Like, I'm just as important as the as these roles and the expectations of these roles and the capacity of these roles. But I need to prioritize me on this list as well. So yeah, definitely in any role you are still in there. Yeah. And you should prioritize yourself. Yeah. And make make time for you and the things that um make you you. Um, who are you when nobody needs anything from you? Well rested. Well rested, happy. I mean, sometimes though I I I was thinking about this, like, it's nice to feel needed though, sometimes. It is. And I feel like a little well-rested. But sometimes it's like you want to I don't know, and I don't know why. I was thinking about why I want to feel like that. Like, why do I sometimes want somebody to like need me to help them with something? I'm like, does this just make me feel purposeful or something like that, you know? Like to feel needed and to to be able to help somebody, like is it like a control thing? I like I don't know. Like, I I've just been thinking about that lately though, like feeling needed. Does that make me feel whole to feel needed? Does that make me feel wanted because I'm needed? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like I think it's uh it goes back to like an identity thing. Like is your identity wrapped up in the fact that somebody needs you? Yeah, somebody wants you. You know what I'm saying? And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted or needed. Um but I think maybe it's an identity thing. I think I do I think it ties into that because I think I do think it comes also from people pleasing too. And like um Well, you might genuinely just enjoy helping people, but like at what it what expense to yourself though, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I used to be a people pleaser. Um and I really think that was a part of my identity. I was like, I have to do this so people can see me. So people can see my value. You know what I mean? I have to say yes to things when my body and my nervous system is screaming, hell no. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And then feeling obligated. Now I'm stressed to the max because I said yes to appease you. And now I'm like, I I can't say no now because I already said yes. And then it's like, you know, the repercussions of me now backing out of something I agreed to, you know, two months ago. Yeah. And now my anxiety's feeling. Now I feel like I let my people. Yeah. It's like, but I really actually dishonored myself with your comfortability. And and now look. And like depending on the circumstance, because I had to take a step back and realize, like, you know what? My friends have never given me shit for like if I can't make something, if I can't make it, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is just me in my head shitting on myself, like being overly critical of myself, like, you know, wanting to have like like a hundred percent attendance with things and showing up for people, because I do care about showing up for people, and I will want them to show up for me. But also I think things that I experienced as a child like is in, you know, sometimes the reaction from maybe like parents, family members if I didn't satisfy them. I think that that has made me think, like, oh my god, my friends are gonna do me like that too. But that's a trauma response. Yeah. Yeah. The T word I'll be doing not the T word. The T word be coming from me, bro. Like, uh Yeah. And I feel like a lot of us are gonna continue to stay in that space of get getting caught up in the identities or the roles and the expectations of that because of what we experienced as a child. And as much as we don't wanna accept that, most of who we are now was because of something that happened as a child that didn't get resolved, it didn't get the the nurture. The nurturing, yes, that we deserved. It didn't we we didn't get a chance to heal for whatever was done to us. So then that spilled over into our adulthood and our relationships with other people. Yeah. And it's really just us wanting to be seen, wanting those wounds to be healed. So now we're kind of essentially projecting that on the people around us. Like, look, look at me. Are I great enough? Yeah. Are I good enough? Yes. I never miss an opportunity to show up for you. Are you proud of me? Are you proud of me? Please be proud of me. Like, give me a reward. I guarantee you. Or if that friend didn't show up for you one or two times and you never missed the opportunity to show up for them, you would be livid. And it's like we have to be realistic about our capacity, but also realistic about what the other person's capacity could be. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? So yeah, it might be. It's nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted, but I think understanding why is is the critical. You know what, like I ain't got some help.

unknown 43:48

I need to know.

SPEAKER_00 43:49

We all do. We we all still become we all still try to figure it out. Like becoming what better than. were yesterday. Better last year. I feel like if you stop trying to become better, well not trying, if you stop becoming better, then now you can place it. Now you done put limitations on yourself. Yeah. Yeah we have to leave we we gotta leave the space open for us to evolve more and to pivot more. To learn more to dig deeper to unpack our shit because a lot of us have stuff that we just like I know it's back there and this collecting does. Deep in there. But um I'm gonna just busy myself with other things until something triggers that thing that you got packed deep down in the crevices and now it's at the surface and you don't have a choice. So what I said I tried to dance it away. Yeah dance, drink, body, sleep, eat all the things that you and they'll be like no I'm still here sweet. Still here stumbling. You're doing good no she was doing something didn't you don't sell here like your shoulder absolutely um have you ever experienced a moment when you had to stop and realize this is who I've been told to be but I'm not sure this is actually who I am um yeah like recently these little things so like I was a huge huge huge huge huge daddy's girl growing up huge and I was like I just think my dad's so cool I just want to be just like my dad right like and I was a huge tomboy so it was just everything like everything but then I like I think it was like once I graduated college I was just like bro like and I had gone through a serious like bad breakup and I was just like yo like what do I like if not like I said influenced by anybody else in my life like what do I like with that that comes without any influence what do I just organically love to do and I literally just had to start from step one like okay what music do I like and not that I want to have something to bond with my dad over you know what I'm saying because I'm thinking that that's pleasing him by me like bonding with him over no like what do I like and it's just been super freeing ever since I would say like you know it's I still I still do that like you know just checking in with myself with that but yeah like what food do I like that I haven't been told that I should like what food what what drinks do I like? Like it's little things like that that just make a huge like impact over time I feel like just checking in like that. And I'm like I don't like the Giants like I grew up you know thinking I have to be a Giants fan because that's you know my dad was you know saying big on that my whole family giant I like the Bills damn it and I'm a cheer for the Bills period like period I still show love for the Giants but I no I'ma just you know just little things like that like no I like the Bills. Go Bills and yeah I like no I don't want to wear certain clothes or I don't know just like I said I I feel like maybe what I'm mentioning sounds small but it it it is it was truly truly impactful like thinking about it like that like and also realizing that I don't have to be defined by shit. I am Elasia first I'm Elasia first like whatever else whatever other roles I play in people's life like that shit comes second you know maybe third some days depending on what what you got from me but no I'm Elasia first and what I like is what I like and what I don't like is what I don't like and I don't care if you agree with me or not that's why you're you and I'm me. I love you the same stop so you felt like that was like liberating for you? Yes hell yeah because and it and that's um I don't second guess myself as much because of because of me taking that step like I don't like I'm my confidence it my confidence is organic. You know like it's genuine like and I and I can still acknowledge any insecurities that I have but it's not bothering me it's just like this is just a flaw that I have I'm st I'm still tea don't say my comment I'm still but my birth my best version is I'm still marinating that's what I'm saying like what y'all thought I ate when I was 21 and watching I'm 35. Stop blaming me I don't care because I feel like baby I'm eating and I'm pushing 40 like and I'm and it's lit. It's definitely growth is uncomfortable and ugly sometimes but in the end it is lit. Like if you're consistent it's it's it's lit like I don't care I just don't care I love it. It's like freeing like it is yeah I felt like that 40 effect a little early for me literally just not giving a shit I I maybe I can really soak deep into that like I wake up every day like I really don't care. Yeah you don't you really don't give a shit about nothing nobody got going on don't care like I mean of course besides the people that I wake up to every day. But like I really just don't give a shit and I absolutely love that from me I feel like I spent a lot of my life giving a shit about things that I had no business giving a shit about. Like I was deeply invested in shit that didn't have nothing to do with my ass I felt like that's what I needed to be doing. It's giving a fuck yeah and it's just like actually no funny shit like even just not even being in contact with certain people and I'm not saying that this is true. This is just my assumption I'm like I'm pretty sure they're wondering like damn like did I be something to her or are we beefing? It's like we not even beefing. No you ain't do nothing to me I ain't do nothing to me I ain't doing nothing to you it's just like yeah no like I promise you that like people are definitely thinking like that. Like some people might even form issues in their own mind with you. They might form a beef just because you and I hate that problem because the whole time I'm over here walking my three miles working out the deals like building a brand editing content like trying to figure out whatever my family like I legit like do not care. And I think I did a I felt like I did a lot of people's emotional work because I was always overcompensating myself. I was always you know thinking about the emotional well being of someone else over me and not allowing them to do that for themselves because I feel like that enables people to not be self-aware. If you're always knowing that the other person is probably gonna be the one being like oh well did you think about this or did you consider this then you don't have to do it. But it's like if I'm doing your work your emotional labor who's doing mine that means now I'm suppressing mine and I'm dishonoring my own feeling my own well being because I'm so invested yes in how you feel what you got going on what happened in your day and it's like yeah that's not cool. It's not cool and I think everybody loses in that situation because you're gonna get worn out with that stuff. And then they are never held accountable. Yes and they also you're they're not even in a position to grow or learn from everything. So everybody loses in that situation. Yeah so it's just like no and then I'm also in a space of like I want to feed and continue to water the relationships that are watering me. If we have a relationship but it's only contingent upon me doing the watering me reaching out me showing up and then the minute I don't now there is no relationship I've seen and heard all that I need to see it and here. And it's like you also don't need to be responsible like my mom said that the other day like I just I'm tired of being responsible. I don't want to be responsible anymore. Not as if she's about to you know make a whole bunch of requests for maintaining things but people don't also want to be responsible for it being maintained. Yes like you want to be childish? Okay. It's not my responsibility to maintain this friendship, this partnership whatever this is like it's not on me. I can make I can make attempts but when I'm tired and stuff like that or if I'm done and there's nothing you know I'm receiving or no reciprocation. No it's not it's on a and it shouldn't even be a responsibility. It should be it should be mutual like it should just be naturally like yo we we both care we should you know both put effort in or attention into things. So it's like Yeah I I don't think it's a lot of genuine people in the world and I think people connect with you for different reasons. Sometimes I feel like they think they're humbling you or they can teach you something and it's like baby you can't teach me nothing I don't already know. Hello whatever I want to know I can figure it out trust. And that bothers people it does um when you have your own discernment and you know you're you know what's going on also when you know when it's time for you to collect your thing yeah to get on about your business. I'm famous for that very famous out of there we we maybe we're not gonna can continue to have these conversations. Yeah I have a conversation with you and I hear and feel and and and I've seen that's enough for me. Like you gotta go. I got no I gotta go. You can say right here you could sit right here. Because I'm pretty sure there there are a few people who are very confused and it's like it's not for you to be confused. Because I'm an open book so I can tell people like what's gonna work for me and what's not yeah I'm never the person you gotta be weird with. I'm too understanding. I'm always gonna give you the benefit of the doubt I'm never thinking that I'm not hearing from you because you freaking all of a sudden woke up and you hate my dad life is lightning. I literally have three children of my own a man a household I'm running a business and also my health is my business. Yeah so it's like if I don't hear from you I'm not thinking the worse you know saying but if you don't hear from me you you definitely should be trying to figure out like what do we're pretty sure I told you before I exited left yeah but it's like also too with that is like I'm not begging people to be there for me if I have people around me who do it like it's second nature. Yeah. It's like why I'm begging you to hang out with me or for you to hit me back if I already got people who gonna hit me back. Yeah who gonna who gonna make time for me in their lives as I'm making time for them. Mm-hmm and theirs. So yeah I definitely will get ghosts real quick. What I'm saying people want to act incompetent on people. But I feel like the older you get the more peace becomes a priority and anything that is even trying to compete with that, you'd be like, yeah no I I didn't no I mean I think with the state of the world everybody should have peace as as a big priority right now. You should peace of mind should be a huge if not your number one priority right now like it's it's a lot of stuff going on good and bad but it's still a lot of stuff going on. Yeah so it's like no matter what like you should prioritize that and keep that keep that focused yeah. Well I think this kind of walks us into the the next question um um what happens when a woman decides she no longer wants to fit the version of herself that everyone else has become comfortable with because sometimes people don't necessarily have a problem with your growth they have a problem with the fact that your growth changes the role you play in their life how did you navigate that I think it gets a little lonely sometimes or it feels it can feel a little lonely so you can feel a little misunderstood that you can feel misunderstood but um I think I think it's I think I think that that's where power comes in. I think that that's where like your power is reclaimed when you decide you know what I don't care about these labels that you guys put on me. Like I don't have to act on these this is y'all projections onto me or or what I'm supposed to be for you guys. So and if you don't like how I'm coming now that I've shed all that off of me we don't need to engage. Um so like I said it might feel a little lonely but you will find friends and partners you will come across you know cross paths of people who won't make you feel like that you know who who will appreciate and respect that autonomy that you have for yourself. Absolutely so Yeah I mean shake his lip for real. Like that's you go to sleep at night not regretting things you know anymore. Like not regretting choices anymore and you know you you also I think forgive yourself for what you may have participated in or you forgive yourself for things that were maybe out of your control as well. That you might have blamed yourself for the past. I think that that happens too when you shed that off that weight off of you with that with all the labels and stuff. Absolutely um have you ever dealt with uh guilt that came from disappointing people when you were actually choosing yourself? Yeah yeah yeah and I think depending on the person I still struggle with that because but it's me though like it's not the other person actually making me feel guilty. It's me. Um at least with the friends that I have now with the people that are family friends everything like that in my life now like it's literally in my head. Now there are I do have I do have a a member of a member that still does that but still we know what to expect with that. But like most of the time it's just me in my head, you know coming from the people pleasing standpoint like damn I gotta say no to you because I have to do what's best for me right now. Or I have to I have to politely reject this claim about whatever you're trying to say about my character because I just can't go for it. I just can't I can't I can't accept I'm not I will not accept what you're saying. Because I know myself better than you do. Yes, I do. And I'm confident in saying that to you because I've taken the time and I still take the time to reflect on myself. I'm my biggest critic so and and yeah that I don't know I think that that's yeah that I think that that that point of view does bother people or intimidate people. Because some people need external validation I don't need it. You know like it's nice to have sometimes it's complimentary but no it's not needed. I remember somewhere I read and it was like the things that um that you struggle with as an adult were the things that you didn't get as a kid. Yeah. I think they said something about like maybe if you needed any type of valid validation that means that you weren't affirmed enough as a kid yes I I think we talked about that a while ago I I I a hundred and ten percent agree yeah um I mean do you feel like that? Do you feel like there were things that I feel like I was affirmed as a kid as in like you know what you're s you are smart you are beautiful but I think I think it depended on the the time in which they were doing it. Um and then maybe how often they were doing it. But I do I felt like I was affirm when I was doing the things that my mom wanted me to do. Okay. Like if I was doing what she wanted to do because it made her look good, made her look like a great parent um she felt good about it, then I was affirm. But I wasn't affirm for the things that I just did because it was me or because that's what I wanted to do. Yeah. Because it brought me joy. And so I think yeah you did you definitely grow up feeling like you need to be validated and and praised for the things that you do and the things that you accomplish because you didn't get enough of that as a kid. So yeah I definitely agree with that. Yeah I think for me it was like the actions behind the affirmations that became now like I'm getting used to like dysfunction or things not adding up. Mm-hmm and I'm being conditioned to accept saying something but not acting consistently with what you're saying. Um or the affirmation was there but now it's like stripped away if I don't if I you know don't comply. Yes. So it's like that it's ugly. You know when you said you're always in your head and I'm I'm too a overthinker so I think that kind of plays a part too because like if you don't if the space is not created for you to express your emotions now what you're gonna do is you're gonna internalize everything that you do that that your parent may not like and they don't speak to that or they don't still affirm you and and say well that probably wasn't a good idea that you made or a good choice that you did but I still love you. Now you're like internalizing like so do they not love me because I didn't do what it is that they wanted me. Like you're literally internalizing everything when it's really the parent's responsibility to affirm you and say well you didn't do anything wrong I just feel X, Y, and Z. However I still love you. And so yeah I definitely can't relate with that because I had to internalize a lot of my own emotions as a child. Yeah child didn't want to get that we're gonna end up what is we're gonna get oh um I think part of becoming is realizing that we're we're allowed to redefine things. So what does it look like for a black woman to give herself permission to redefine strength, success, femininity, motherhood, marriage, womanhood I think that by doing nothing you're redefining all those things. I'm I'm deadass serious. You said not giving a fuck I think that that redefines well I think it's stronger to give a fucking stand on that than it is to overwork yourself and make it stand on it. I feel like stand on anything that you say. And I think you defining what something means to you based off of your capacity and how that feels to you is so important.

unknown 1:04:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:19

Letting someone else redefine something for you is like that don't even make sense. That's not kind because how I because how I view success you may not view that as success. You know what I mean? For me like I used to think success was having a degree and you know um just having certain um tangible things. Okay. But as I have you know gone through therapy and done my own healing and growing and having my own spiritual evolution I realized like it's the intangible thing for me. Okay. It's my it's my resilience. It's my determination it's it's me being able to pivot and that's what yeah it's me always having the this feeling of like I can do more or I cannot do more. It's like it it's so many things. It's just like me just being obsessed with like me and in my own journey. Yeah like to me that is success. Um also the freedom to choose what I want to do with my dad. I was about to say that's the big that's like just acknowledging you like yo I have free will and I have a choice. I have Yeah like to me that's success. But I didn't look at it like that way before I think it was very like ideal you know very like traditional like oh I'm a mom and my wife and I work in high five and like I don't have kids and I have a man and I live in a home. But those things are praised and glamorized Yeah. Within society. Like that's like that's supposed to be something that makes a woman feel complete because that's what's pushed on us. But I was just like, I do think that it's okay to acknowledge and feel it's okay to feel accomplished with getting a degree. If that was a goal of yours and all the things that you just listed, and you know, your determination, like your character, is the gift that got you these tangible things. So it's like it's okay to be happy about yeah, you can pop your shit. Like I busted my ass, and I you know what I'm saying? And I got my degree. And I said that because like I thought the degree was like the thing. Yes, you know what I'm saying? But once I got it, I was like, well, it's actually not the thing. And that's why I used that. It was just like I wanted things that I saw other people had that I didn't have, but I wanted it for me. But I think once I got it, and I was clear on why I wanted it. It wasn't necessarily because other people had it, but it had always been a goal of mine. But I was just like, if I'm gonna get this degree, it's gotta be something that I want, you know, in the field that I am passionate about. But even once I got it, I was just like, I feel that you got it, and now what? And then it's like I'm not necessarily using it, but I'm not necessarily not using it. That makes sense. Yeah, I think it was about the experience. Yeah, I mean it definitely was an experience. I can't, I can't not, I can't dismiss that. I think it was something for me to experience, for me to come to this conclusion and be like, I could have this degree, I could have multiple degrees, but that's not what I'm defined by. And I think that was the purpose of me having that experience. I was like, you think you need this to define who you've already been, who you already are. And it's like, no, like this has always been you. You didn't need the degree to prove whatever you were looking for to prove. Yeah. Because I kept saying, Oh, I need this degree so people can take me serious, so you know, people can it was like a value attached to it. Yeah, because people think that, you know, the piece of paper gives you credibility when you can get that knowledge from just like life experiences. Yeah, sometimes some things are just in you. You just know because I really didn't need a degree. But people, other insecure people who are struggling with that will make you feel like if you don't have that piece of paper, you shouldn't be talking about something. And I think they I think that's very ignorant. Yeah, I think I put that expectation on myself. Of course, yes, naturally. And then I got it and I was like, well, actually, you have the degree. You might be a little hotter, but like you're still the same creative person that you were. But I did I definitely grew, I think, more my creativity, but yeah, I thought I needed a degree. Um But I'm realizing now that the things that I thought were like how I would how I was defining um success is completely different from how I'm defining it now. Mm-hmm. Honestly, I feel like the fact that I have a successful marriage and that I'm happy in my marriage, um, that isn't success. 'Cause there's a lot of people who are married and they're not happily married. They're in toxic partnership and connection. Um not a happy home. They don't like or love their partner. It shows. Um, and they're seeking a lot of outside validation. Yeah, because they're trying to convince people that they actually are happy because they have these things, and it's like yeah, but you don't even like that thing. Don't shake on TV. But do you want to let you want to let other people know that you've been chosen? That's that's what that's what that's what matters. You you want so you want people to know, hey, somebody chose me, so that must mean I matter. No, you ain't shit. You ain't shit. Like just like the nigga you and shit. But no, I think for a long time I was even like scared to say that like being happily married is a success. Now I can say it because I can stand firm in that that power, but before I didn't say it because I think, you know, I was still in connection with certain people that probably envied that. Um, and that's why I say like tangible versus intangible things. I feel like now the things that I'm grateful for are very much intangible. Yeah. You know, my peace, my time, my freedom to choose what I'm doing with my day, my presence in my home and the difference that makes. Me, me, me having the mental clarity to not only pour into myself and make time for myself, but I can pour into my children. Yeah. I can pour into my man, you know, in the morning and throughout his day, and on the days that are difficult for him to while not feeling like I'm draining myself because I didn't spend 40 hours at somebody else's job pouring into their dream. You know what I'm saying? Like I can take time to be creative and to pour into my own endeavors. To me, that is a success. I'm at peace. Do I have everything that I want? No, but my needs are being met on a daily basis. I have a roof over my head, I have a bed, I have a home, there's food in my refrigerator. I'm in good health, good spirit. I think a good amount of the goals that you have had over time have been accomplished. You know, it's just it's just about you creating new goals. Absolutely. So I think that that's let's you pat yourself on the back. Okay. I am somebody. I am somebody. Yes. Big pearl. But yeah, I think I think black women, many women, should be able to redefine what life means to them at any time. Yes. Because you're gonna change what you like today, you might not like tomorrow. But it's like also, why do I have to have an answer? Don't ask me. Like then you don't have to have an answer. Like that's just yesterday's price is not it's not today's price, but I think we we should be allowed the space to redefine and and um what's the other word? Um, rebuild or whatever we want to do. Never want to do. I agree. I firmly agree. Yeah, and make sure you're doing it for you for no other purpose. Yeah, like turn that phone off, turn the TV off, sit down and think for a second about what you want. Not any distraction. Because this is a fad podcast, I can't have the conversation without bringing faith into it. What role does faith play in separating who God created you to be from who the world expects you to be? And sometimes becoming requires us to trust God with a version of ourselves that only I'm sorry, that other people may not understand. I think that to have unwavering faith, as they say, is to be consistent with yeah, not seeking external validation, not going to other people to like try to make you feel secure. You need to you need to go internal. And it you know, if you if you believe in God, if you know what I'm saying, or or whatever, whatever D you believe in, right? Faith is faith, faith is universal. That I feel like faith is just having consistency and discipline with with that. But go internal, pray about it. Pray about the problem before you go run your mouth to somebody who may not have your best interest. You know, like really, really look into talk to yourself. Talk to yourself, talk, talk to God, talk to yourself, and and let it be. Not everything needs to be a conversation with your homegirl, not everything needs to be a conversation with your partner. It's okay to just keep it's okay to just process things internally sometimes and and pray about it and let and let go and let God. Like that I think that that's important. Um and yes, if you have this strong faith, it doesn't matter what the world expects you to be. There's many um people walking this earth right now that it's like it's like tunnel vision. You know you definitely gotta stay locked in. Yeah, it's it's tunnel vision. It's so many distractions out here, it's so many things that will pull you off of your path if you let it. Um and I think for me, being consistent and disciplined when it comes to my physical health has really unlocked um the doors to other things. Because it's like if I can be consistent and disciplined with my health, what else can I be consistent and disciplined with? That's um That's it right there. But also, yeah, like with the faith thing, it it's a daily thing because you're gonna have moments where you are not sure, mm-hmm and that's when your faith has to kick in. Yeah, so I've had a lot of a lot of times and I still have moments where I wake up and I'm like, Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? And God be like, girl, now didn't you ask me this last week? I'd be like, you know what? I'ma chill. Yeah, like that's what I'm saying. When you like how you just said, you have, you know, locked in with your physical health prioritizing that. That's you showing God that you're ready for, you know, other like now you can handle this because he's seeing that you can have discipline with this. You get what I'm saying? Like you're showing God, hey, I'm ready for for expansion. I'm ready. You're you're you're you're preparing, you're you're building, you're like, you know what? Let me show God I want to live long and be there for my kids and be active. You know what I'm saying? For myself. Let me show God I love my legs and my body and I love being able to move. Let me show God I love water. And some sympathies, like, let me thank you, God, for what you gave us. Yeah you know what I'm saying? Like, that's girl. How do you learn to recognize God's voice over everybody else's equity?

SPEAKER_01 1:17:03

Ooh.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:04

I don't know if everybody's gonna like my response, but I don't think that I think the voice is not like a literal voice. I think that it is the situations that you're put in. I think it's like things that you like you know is just God. Like if you can't explain what just happened and you don't know which way it came from, that's God taught that's God showing you something. Like, that's whatever thoughts may pass when you're when you're praying, and because you know, I mean, I don't I can't speak for everybody, but sometimes it's hard to quiet my mind. Like, you know, I can be jumping around like trying to meditate and pray sometimes. So it's like I don't think it's a voice. I think it I I've always said it's like God will show you a message right in front of your face, and it's up to you to interpret that in the best way that you know how that doesn't cause anybody else any harm or yourself. That that is the way because that's how Jesus walked. That's it has to be. You know what I'm saying? Like you have to have a good moral compass, and like God will like if you're moving how you should move, God will show you exactly what you're meant to see. And that is what I think the voice is. You know what I'm saying? I don't think it's somebody talking. I think it's different for everybody, and I think I will meet you where you are, yes, he knows how to get your attention. Yes, but for you it may not be a voice, it may not be his voice. It may be him showing you something. Yeah, that's at least that's how it shows it for me. So some people say they hear his voice. Um, and that's your business. That's just between you and God. Um, some people say, you know, it's a confirmation or as a sign from someone else or God think. But I just feel like God is gonna reach you how he feels is best to reach you depending on where you are in your walk with God. So I don't think that's uh you can't really give a universal answer for that. You can only speak from your experience. Um for me, I feel like mine has been through other people. Um, in conversation with other people. Um and then just confirmations through other people or through something I might be watching or listening to. Okay. And I just get this feeling I'm like, that was God. Yeah. You know what I mean? So, yeah. Sometimes when I hit shuffle on my music, that first song that come through might may might clock my tea. Okay, God, you don't gotta read me like that. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? That's absolutely. Because I done definitely time I played with since something came on. I said, Oh yeah, let me sit down. Yeah, gas.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:43

Like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:44

Let me let me sit in that moment for a second, like relax. Also, I think another thing is too that sometimes you can't really get to your faith without being um uncomfortable. Oh yes. And this is just me speaking from experience. I feel like a lot of time I have included the people into moments where it was supposed to be me sitting in that discomfort. Yes. And working through that with God. But I invited other people in because I didn't want to be uncomfortable. Yeah. Um, and so I've definitely had a few moments where I was just like, you could call somebody or you could just sit here and you can be uncomfortable. And you and you can you can have that moment with God and and work through that. You know what I'm saying? Yes. I think that things get I think that things get ugly before they get beautiful. I really truly do. I think that that's like the power of like transformation with stuff. Like it's gonna be rocky sometimes. I mean, look at how when children are born, babies are ugly, but they grow into these beautiful They really try to laugh. But they grow into you know beautiful children with amazing spirits and I know they all come out looking like little aliens. Definitely animal crackers in the world. I've seen that my brother, my all the time with my baby brother. This was too much, like, but my point is like like I said, things have to sometimes get ugly and uncomfortable in order for like real, amazing, beautiful things to happen. Like, and I experienced that with my family, like it was some uncomfortable conversations after my parents got divorced. It was a lot of you know resentment that was there. But you know, thank God for I'm I'm blessed to have parents that like because they raised me to speak my mind, so it's like you can't be upset if I'm clocking your tea right now. Like, yeah, I'm clocking in. Like, y'all was doing too much. Love y'all though. But you know what I'm saying? But it was so ugly. It was arguments, it was raised voices, some cuss words slicked out, but you still find love after that, you know what I'm saying? Still so it's like, and I think the same thing with black women, like it's gonna be ugly when you're shedding these these layers on off you, you know what I'm saying? That works. Expectations and identities that's not yours. It's gonna be ugly. Absolutely. But it's something beautiful when you get on the other side of that. Hello? You come out for you. Yes. You come out glowing, you come out attracting things that are meant for you. Yeah. Like, that's 'cause God definitely gonna keep hitting you with them Uno reverse lessons. Like, didn't I just experience this six months ago? Yeah, because you didn't learn the first time. And he hit Uno reverse on that ass. And he was like, let me let's do it again. Listen to another dumbass negative. You ain't listening. You tell me you didn't love that bad. I got you. No, I'm telling you, when you start recognizing your own pattern, you're like, hold up, wait a minute. Same situation, maybe you know, a little slightly different, but you're like, not nice, it's still not nice. This is not nice to me. I'm not being nice to me. Hold up, wait a minute. I need to really just different seasoning, same protein. That's a bar. Different seasoning, same wild. Okay. So um, before we end this, um, there may be a woman listening right now who is realizing I don't actually know who I am outside of the rules I've been fulfilling. Maybe she's been a mother, a wife, a daughter, a caretaker, a professional, the strong one. But she doesn't know who she is when all of these titles are removed. What would you say to her? I would say that it's okay for you to choose yourself, and it's also okay to not know where to start. And I would say just start asking yourself little things like, yeah, like what do you what do you want to do today? Start with that and just continuously make choosing yourself a priority every day. When when it's a set time and place for you to prioritize yourself, make sure you're make sure you have a village of people that respect that and honor that as well. I love that. Because I think sometimes we m we make becoming sound like we have to completely reinvent ourselves. But maybe becoming isn't always about creating a new woman. Maybe it's about uncover uh uncovering the woman who has already who was already there underneath all of that expectations, labels, roles, fears, and opinions. Yes. And sometimes becoming firm requires us to get brave enough to say, This box no longer fits me. Here we are. Yes. So before we close out today's episode, we're gonna have a little fun. Oh my gosh, I love fun. It's time for our fact this or that. Okay. Now this is rapid fire, don't overthink. Okay. This is one or the other, you know what I'm saying? First answer that comes to your mind. Okay, like family feel, like 20 seconds or on the board. Highlight it, so first one being understood or being accepted. Understood. Peace or proving your point. You can say both. You can say both. The place in that now piece. Okay. Be it the strong one or asking for help. I hate you asking for help because people don't know how to do the shit the way that I want them to be doing it. But that sounds like control, but okay. I'm just particular about the way I like things to be done. But okay, okay, okay. I'll I'll ask for help. Nah, nah, nah, nah. I don't want to be strong at all. I'm gonna ask for help. I just want to do the damn thing. Okay, I'll ask for help. Okay. Comfort zone or growth zone. Oh. Comfort zone. Because what are you comfortable with? You feel me? No. This is your comfort. Nah, I I definitely like when I think of comfort zone, I'm thinking like keep going. People pleasing or boundary setting. Oh my god, boundary setting. Okay, be who they expect or become who you are. Become who I am, who I are, who I is. Please. Softness or strength. Softness. Plans or spontaneity. I don't know if I said that right. I don't like spont spontaneous vibes. I don't like stuff to be too. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Plans. Okay, yeah. I gotta speak from the place I'm at now when I realize about myself. I do need shit to be planned. I do. Because then I'll end up saying yes to new things. I'll be double booking, overbooking, no. Got him. Yeah. Private growth or public transformation. I think private growth. Okay. Faith or fear. Oh my what do you mean by that? What do you mean? What do I mean by that? Faith or fear, girl. Faith, say, faith. Thank you very much. I don't think I did that right. Okay. It was, but you're not the only one who's done that. It's okay. Comfort zone or growth zone. Well, I wanna get into a place of comfort, bro. Respectfully. But you gotta be uncomfortable. Yeah, but if I'm I'm comfortable being uncomfortable, that's what I'm saying. Like that doesn't it doesn't overwhelm me to be uncomfortable. Like I don't think growing is uncomfortable. I think Yeah, no, I don't Maybe not for you. I think it's uncomfortable. No, it is, but it's it's not scary. It's like, bro, like this shit has to be done. Like like it's I mean, I know it has to be done, but it's still like for me. I think pushing yourself can be scary, but it's kind of fun. I mean, yeah, I I've learned to just kind of like trust the process and don't get so caught up in the future that I'm not being present in the journey, in the process of the growth and all the things that I'm learning along the way. Like you're still learning and unlearning things, you're still collecting wisdom and tools and that you're gonna need in the future. But if you focus just on the future, you're gonna miss all the beauty in the process. Today we talked about becoming her beyond the boxes. But I hope you understand that this conversation isn't just about the boxes other people put in us. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, which boxes have I continued to live in because I've become comfortable there? Who am I when I'm not trying to make everybody else comfortable? Who am I when I'm not performing a role? Who am I when I stop trying to prove that I'm strong? Who am I when I allow myself to be fully seen, fully authentic, and fully surrendered to what God is calling me to become? Because you are more than your title, more than your relationship status, more than motherhood, more than your career, more than being the strong one, more than what you've survived. And you don't have to spend your entire life being a version of yourself that was created to meet everybody else's expectations. You are allowed to evolve, you are allowed to redefine yourself, you are allowed to become, and most importantly, you are allowed to become the woman God created you to be. Thank you so much for joining us on another episode of the Fab Podcast.